Unrequited Love, Misunderstood

We sometimes walk upon a path in our youth that we believe is our future, for we are encouraged to follow our dreams and visions and never give up on that quest which has burned hot and bright within our breasts. Nothing however is permanent, and things unfailingly change. We must be prepared to acknowledge this fact of imminent transcendence and see the source of our joy in a different light with an alternative understanding of who and what that joy may be. The word 'enlightenment' itself describes the shining, fiery reality of revealed truth which, limited by through conditioning and adherence and acceptance of mediocre tradition and belief, can only become a roaring fire when we let go of that which we stubbornly perceived as truth, and surrender to the reality of our existence. 

You know as well as I, beloved

My heart was captivated by your beauty                        

Smitten one late Summer's day

As the misty air and warm breeze

Which I thought to be your breath upon my neck

Was but the approaching hurricane

The light that shone and blinded me

Beckoning my soul to follow in your path

I tried to embrace that light...

Only to fall down upon myself, stumbling like a lame ox

Your name, oh, your name always was on my lips

Day after day, year after year

In my mouth, in my nostrils did I intake and fill my lungs with joy

Swallowing your essence, whole

On the exhale you left
And ignored me, as lovers often do

After they had their way with
A naive being abused like a dish rag

Thrown like a used towel
Into the garbage bin

Family and friends, Mother, Father, Sister and Brother I left behind

Believing you were my future
My everything
My all encompassing love

That we would share my living days On Earth together
As one, as lovers Forever entwined in eternal rapture...
How naive was I to think 

I knew the future, a tomorrow based
On promises made in holy books and ancient scriptures...

Wrong, I was wrong!

To believe that I had found true love

Who did I think I was?
Some supreme deity ruling an imaginary universe?

No, that title is reserved for you, and only you

To be fair, you never promised me tomorrow...

I only assumed that my sacrifice in this, my only life, would suffice

I loved you, your prophets, your books and your music, your children
But you loved me back with imposed limits
Which eventually tore my soul and broke my heart

The strings of the lute you played, that lute...me, my being

Spiced food savory and sweet, intricate kilims, tapestry and poetry

Reclining together with you on pillows of silk

Savoring sweet pastries, sipping red wine
Deep into the night, the Moon was our lamp
The nightingale our minstrel, a serenade

Words of wisdom and joy, and a warning to would-be lovers...

Do not love too much, lest you be disappointed

Slender minarets and tall towers, arches and gateways to nowhere

Miniature paintings and even tinier, gently wrought earrings
Of dazzling pearls and gold, fine silver

Your people, with raven hair and even stature

Handsome faces and subtle, androgynous shapes

The eyebrow of the mistress, darkened with kohl

Engulfed in robes sewn in paradise

Beckoning me with beauty amid voices of song and praise
The scent of musk and lavender permeating the air

I gave it my all, every atom and every minute cell of my being

I loved you with all my love, all my heart and soul

All the desire that could be programmed into any being

But, who was I to think you would choose me alone?

Nay, I led myself astray, into an abyss of no return

I dared to love and yes, I dared to see the face of the beloved

Like Moses on the mountain, I stared into the face of the Sun

Only to be dazzled by your beauty, tempting me, enticing me...

Refusing me

So, I take my leave of you at this time

For I cannot think, concentrate, nor calculate
The immeasurable cruelty of spurning

One as myself, so in love with you

So enamored with the thought of those erotic dreams
Heavenly delight and visions

Spiritual oneness, I gave it all, and all the world thought me mad

I left them behind, those I loved and who sincerely loved me 
But you seemingly cared not

What was my crime?

My transgression is that I thought I knew, but knew nothing

Our love has to wait, for infinite knowledge belongeth not to me 

For to reach the light I must travel alone, in the darkness
Through the night

Only the thought of you and the joy that awaits me upon my arrival

At your door is what keeps me alive, hopeful, in anticipation

Please keep the fire lit so I lose not my way

I cannot afford another loss, my beloved

Another defeat would ruin me, and kill my soul

This is all I possess now, the memory of our time together

For the years have gone by and youth has been spent
In the search, the quest, wasted days and empty nights

Forgive me for my ignorance, but there is a truth
I dare finally speak aloud...

You are powerless as am I in the shadow of the darkness

My soul shall be yours, forever, on the wedding day

When you finally make up your mind and decide

To take me, to choose me, finally as your lover

For all eternity

And I await the embrace of your arms of crystalline light beams

And the essence of your eternal Sun
As in the meantime, I damn the dark lord who hath led me astray
And I am all the more strengthened as a warrior
In your legions of light, a bringer of woe to the forces of Ahriman
It wasn't your fault, not at all, for now I understand...
In the end, I am the victor. 

Copyright, Ismail Butera  2023